Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize