The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
