We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
