I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
