I accidentally burped into my bong.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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