I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize