The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
