He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
