I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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