The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
