His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Randomize
