After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
