Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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