im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
