Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
