my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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