Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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