two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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