oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
