We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Ladies don't puke and tell
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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