I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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