New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
