Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
