ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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