I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
