I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
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