he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize