The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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