i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
