U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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