i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
