i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
