My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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