GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
