I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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