Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
