You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
