my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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