Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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