life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
