Where are you?
In a non slutty way
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
