so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
