I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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