No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
