just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
