he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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