I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
