gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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