I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
