I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
