we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
