It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
