He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
