I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
