It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
