just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
